A Simple Thank You has launched an online guest book through their new mobile application so anyone in the world can sign-in and say ‘goodbye’ to Family Guy’s beloved four-legged (sort of) pal, Brian Griffin.
Brian, the dog from Family Guy: an obituary
He might have been just an eight-year-old animated labrador to some, but to devotees of the show, Brian Griffin was top dog in the world of cartoon canines and will be sorely missed…
Of all the world’s many talking cartoon dogs (think: Deputy Dawg, Hong Kong Phooey, Roobarb from Roobarb and Custard), Brian Griffin was the most sophisticated. The beloved labrador from the US cartoon series Family Guy could walk upright, spoke French and a little Spanish, was a Mensa member, could order drinks (“Hey, bar- keep? Whose leg do you have to hump to get a dry martini around here?” became his catchphrase), drove a Prius with the licence plate BRI-DOG, was on the electoral roll (he voted, damn him, McCain in 2012) and dug John Coltrane. He even had a credit card, proving that banks are still unfit to decide their own lending parameters.
Few humans could rival Brian’s accomplishments. He was just one class short of graduating from Brown University in Rhode Island, whose liberal admissions policies should be applauded. In his spare time, he loved nothing more than to sing old Rick Astley numbers (voiced by Family Guy’s creator Seth Macfarlane, Brian had a pleasing baritone) and to leave little surprises on neighbors’ lawns.
He overcame natural deficiencies (like all canines, he didn’t have opposable thumbs) to become (somehow!) a committed smoker.
In a packed life of eight (admittedly human-length) years, he was waiter, carwash attendant, screenwriter and pornographic film director and had at least one successful relationship with a presentable female of another species. Jillian Russell-Wilcox may not have been his intellectual equal, but she was voiced by Drew Barrymore, which would be a feather in any suitor’s cap.
He had other relationships with cartoon humans, but none of them enduring – a fact for which his nemesis, the English-accented perma-toddler Stewie Griffin, teased him mercilessly. Brian never consummated his long-held romantic fixation with the Griffin family human matriarch Lois, which, all things considered, was just as well.
Brian H Griffin was born in Austin, Texas, one of a litter of five. What the initial H stood for in his name remains a mystery, though some have theorised it stood for nothing and demonstrated he was a pretentious douche. His father was a guard dog called Coco; his mother, Biscuit, reportedly abandoned him. It took therapy for Brian to realise that his cocaine addiction stemmed from that abandonment, though his job working as a narcotics sniffer dog for Quahog PD probably didn’t help.
Brian had other issues. Like most cartoon characters, he was trapped in the aspic of an unchanging reality: like Lisa Simpson, he was and for ever will be eight. Worse, in Back to the Pilot, a Brian from the future arrived with his throat cut to confront a multitude of Brians and Stewies – something that would put a crimp any dog’s joie de vivre.
Brian was killed by a car. On the plus side, that meant the troubled mutt never got to use the gun he always carried in case he needed to commit suicide. On the downside, the Griffins have already bought a new dog called Vinny as a replacement. Monsters!
So please join us in saying goodbye to our favorite cartoon dog!